Toxic People
- Larry Kutzler
- Apr 30
- 5 min read
Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.
I don’t usually quote psychology magazines but when a friend of mine went off on me about the toxic environment he works in, it made me do some investigation. Here is how Psychology Today describes toxic people.
Do you know a toxic person? Even if you don't now, at some point in your life you're bound to have come across a person who fits the description. Dealing with such an individual can be difficult and draining, to say the least. In fact, it may challenge what you know about yourself and push you to your limits. Here are some traits to familiarize yourself with, and to help you navigate these trying relationships:
Toxic people are manipulative. Their modus operandi is to get people to do what they want them to do. It’s all about them. They use other people to accomplish whatever their goal happens to be. Forget what you want; this is not about equality in a relationship … far from it.
Toxic people are judgmental. Keep your eyes and ears open for criticism … about you, what you've done, and what you didn’t do. It’s never about them, and they will lie if it serves them.
Toxic people take no responsibility for their own feelings. Rather, their feelings are projected onto you. If you try to point this out to them, they will likely vehemently defend their perspective, and take no responsibility for almost anything they do.
Toxic people don't apologize. They don’t see any reason to because things are always someone else’s fault. In many instances, although they try to orchestrate relationships to serve their own ends, they try to gain sympathy and attention by claiming ‘victim’ status.
Toxic people are inconsistent. It’s hard to know who you’re with at any given time because they are often not the same person. They may change their perspective, attitude, and behavior depending on what they feel they need to accomplish or what they want to have happen. And they know how to be kind when they want something from you.
Toxic people make you prove yourself to them. They make you choose them over someone else, or something they want over something you want. Often, this turns into a ‘divide and conquer’ dynamic in which the only choice is them, even to the point of requiring you to cut off other meaningful relationships to satisfy them.
Toxic people make you defend yourself. They have difficulty staying on point about certain issues, probably because they’re not interested in your point of view or trying to reach an amicable conclusion. Remember, they are supreme manipulators. Their tactics may include being vague and arbitrary, as well as diverting the focus of the discussion to how you’re discussing an issue … your tone, your words, and so on. They focus on problems, not solutions.
Toxic people are not caring, supportive, or interested in what’s important to you. In fact, the good things that happen to you move the attention away from them and thwart them from focusing on their own goals. Beware of people who find fault with you and make you wrong. Loyalty is foreign to them.
Most toxic people won’t focus on solutions because they like the problems. Yet, as Christians, our focus is always on the solution. It is about grace, mercy, forgiveness, and the redemption that Jesus Christ brings into every life. Does grace, mercy, or forgiveness solve every problem? No, but it creates an environment where God can find a space to insert Himself. We can find toxic environments in our homes, in our Churches, and in our workplaces … and most of the time we simply put up with it.
My friend has a bad case of dislike for the toxic people in his life, and his way of handling it? Avoidance! However, in private he is very upset. I’m sure many of us have situations that are similar to what is described here, and many of us probably are handling it much of the same way my friend is … by simply avoiding it. Of course, it will all depend upon the circumstances we find in our toxic environment, because if you confront a superior at work about their toxic behavior, you may not have a job the next day. Friendships are also at risk, and if you value family cohesion, it may not be wise to confront your brother-in-law.
So how do you handle toxic people?
The first line of defense against anything toxic is that you prepare yourself so that you will not be influenced by it. Toxic people are everywhere so you won’t be able to escape them completely, however you must not let their negativity influence you because it is contagious. One of the ways to build a defense against toxic environments is to focus on how God is a God of change. He is our hope and nothing can influence you if you maintain your focus on Him.
The second awareness is that toxic people are often unaware they are toxic. They often think of themselves as independent thinkers who have seen too much and have been hurt too often. They know what they know and nothing will change their minds, so they live and breathe negative toxic behavior. Accent on what happens when God is inserted into any situation and that change is possible. There are situations where we all experience disappointment by what happens in life, but God never leaves us where He finds us. Hope is always the best antidote to toxic environments. Live a lifestyle of hope … it will sustain you in all uncomfortable situations.
The last thought on dealing with any toxic environments is to pray for the people and environments that are toxic. Prayer can be a double-edged sword and it can affect the toxic environment plus protect the people who are affected by toxic people.
God leads us beside still waters. This is the hope we live for, which is far away from toxic people.
Challenging the Culture with Truth … Larry Kutzler